![]() ![]() ![]() We aren’t always privy to a film’s backstage drama ahead of the fact, but even if Tulip Fever weren’t one of the more notorious delayed movies of recent years it would still be quite evident that this was recut into oblivion. Complications arise when Maria finds herself in the family way, but Sophia and Jan concoct a ludicrous plan that could, potentially, make everyone’s dreams come true. It’s as if three full seasons of Days of Our Lives were shipped to the Netherlands and crammed into 45 minutes. ![]() Tulip Fever’s second half is a harvest of stupidity, with mistaken identities, overheard conversations, characters conveniently swept away by circumstance and Cara Delevingne as a combination prostitute/commodities trader who shouts “see ye later in the tavern!” as she drips out of her dress. But just as she crosses the threshold, the petals open up. Sophia visits Jan in his artist’s garret holding some tulips, ostensibly for him to scrutinize for their portrait. The setting is all very interesting (and the art direction looks nice) but at about the halfway mark, the potential quickly shrivels. Along for the ride are the Sandvoorts’ vivacious maid, Maria (Holliday Grainger), and her fishmonger lover, William (Jack O’Connell), who hopes to grow his fortunes. Tulipomania is rattling the coffers of commoners and wealthy alike, creating history’s first great futures exchange and (spoiler alert?) devastating bubble economies. While Sophia and Jan are making eyes at one another, something is blossoming in the taverns of Amsterdam. In the book, I’m sure there are smoldering passages that express how Sophia and the artist Jan Van Loos instantly fall in love, but since Jan is played by Dane DeHaan, who has all the vitality of a bowl of oatmeal left in the rain, we have to take this on faith. As melancholy consolation, Cornelis hires a local artist (a future Dutch master?) to paint a dual portrait, so there will be at least some legacy. All Cornelis wants in life is a son and heir, and the montage of the Sandvoorts’ attempts at conception rivals The Right Stuff’s collage of failed rocket launches. It follows Vikander’s Sophia from her life in a convent to her loveless marriage with the benign dope and peppercorn magnate Cornelis (Christoph Waltz). The first half is actually fairly decent, occasionally threatening to be good. ![]()
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